How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
Just turned elections for the sorority into a drinking game. Right on.
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
Randomize
