I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
I wish I could go about my daily activities with his dick inside me
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
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