My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
Randomize