went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
I think I just need to sleep with both of them to see which I want to date.
You just went from promiscuous to slut in 3.2 seconds.
He was wearing a Knicks jersey I had to go home with him. it was a rough season.
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
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It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
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Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
Hey mike is locked out, sleeping on the common room couch, no idea where his pants are nor does he know where he is. When you get this let him in? And let me know ur alive too!
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