What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
True but, who really needs money in europe? Just barter with sexual favors. A bowl of cereal is worth a blowjob.
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
What's an appropriate outfit for wearing to hangout with a girl you've talked to once, and had a 4way with?
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
Do thigh high boots and a ball gag count as a costume?
Randomize
