she didnt even puke last nite, shes finally hit champion status. i think im in love
obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
I was told u were the one who could explain to me why i woke up in the running shower, still in my dress and heels
I mean, we started to hook up but my asthma attack kind of killed the mood
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
Randomize
