Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
She's lucky her pussy is worth listening to her ramble about bedroom furniture for 30 minutes
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
I basically spent the entire weekend in bed with that red head.Every time I tried to leave she got me too horny to think straight. I was kidnapped by vagina
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