I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
apparently when i got back to tyler's i layed face down on the bed and yelled "don't hurt my asshole!"
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
I'm a lady. Ladies do NOT hump the floor.
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
Randomize
