well if you came here i would keep you awake :*
did you just kiss me??? ... dude, im not gay
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
Randomize
