I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
Dude, they are shaking the RV, yell at them. It feels like i'm being rocked to sleep, I don't like it, I'm not a baby.
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
Randomize
