In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
I woke up to blood crusted on my face. I don't understand
team rage. no explanation necessary
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
Randomize
