4 words: hood of his car
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
i am already firmly committed to doing irish carbombs w/ 12 different people, and the st pattys day party doesnt start for another 24 hours. i may die
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
Fucker was flying a Bruins flag. He can pick up the dog's poop himself.
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