I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
He wants a "vagina fling" before he commits to dick for life. I'm gonna allow it.
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
whoever decided snowing in 90 percent of campus on a night when the streets are flowing with tequila and skittles was clearly not an R.A.
I forget how to act sober
Randomize
