Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
Randomize
