I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
i was that girl throwing up in the urinal. it was a dark moment in my life.
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
dont eat that thats our sex nutella.
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
I can see. My condolences to your vagina.
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