Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
After waking up today, I would like to find the Jesus preachers on campus to ask for help in asking for forgiveness to God.
I got mine. It's a truly beautiful penis. Plus he pulled his tongue muscle on my vagina.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
then you dropped a clam in a draught beer like it was a drop shot and and started chugging as beer spewed all over your body.
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
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