***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
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