Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
the three of them together have enough kids to fill a barney live audience.
and you're not allowed to put a penis in you if it's attached to a 26 year old who works at blockbuster
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
What happened to fro yo and sex?
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
Randomize
