What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
Also I just saw on facebook your sister is taking pole dancing lessons. Just a heads up.
Dude she has the ugliest blow job face ever.
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
Randomize
