dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
k, so I just picked a four leaf clover, then saw my dads penis. Lucky? I think not.
she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
Well puke fest 2014 just happened
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
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