fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
Randomize
