I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
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He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
You can't play that off as role play thing. You held my hips and kept yelling "put a baby in me!" That shit ain't cool.
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
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dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
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