i dont know if you remember blowing your vomity nose directly into my hand...yeah thanks for that
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
Still at home. Videotaping hamsters.
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
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