i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
I saw the video from Saturday. So, how much did I drink for me to think I was a duck and strip my clothes?
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
James is trying to butt-heads with a moose. I don't know whether I should stop him or just sit back and watch where this goes.
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
This is classic penis vs brain.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
Randomize
