Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
Omg. It looks like a crack pipe exploded in your mouth.
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
I just spent 20 mins in the shower washing n rewashing my body to get rid of stripper. I even loofa'd my face.
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
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