One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
Thank god Shes going home for winter break, gives my dick a chance to recover from those "bjs." Youd think a senior could suck a dick by now.
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
He is so sweet! He thanks me for sending him dirty pix. I should keep him.
You partied and then got cock slapped, Don't tell me you didn't have fun
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
