i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
She's not a foreskin expert like you
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
Randomize
