I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
Randomize
