So he thought it would be a nice gesture to show me his list of girls he fucked. There was 70. We then went through and put "V"'s next to all the ones that were virgins...
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
i took an adderall last night to write a paper. i ended up watching 7 hours of roseanne and couldn't look away
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
Just had a guy dressed only in a towel ask me for a cig, hug me and kiss me then proceeded to pee of the balcony while still talking to me and callin me baby
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
Randomize
