Deffinety need to stop having sex on the beach just took a dump and it was mostly sand
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga
Adams eating in the shower, he says it's one of his favorite places to eat. Btw it's milanos he's eating, he says he loves italy too.
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
He just made a mudslide using rubinoff and swiss miss packets. This can't end well....
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
Lets have the type of night where its 5am and one of us has definitely punched someone who has been on a Disney Channel show.
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
It takes a special friend to go vibrator shopping with
Yes. It does.
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
Randomize
