Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
suddenly, hermaphrodite night sounds like a really bad idea
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
therea a video of her dad walking in while i screamed "lets have a fashion show!" and fell off the table
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
its like i had a thought but i dont know what the words are for it
You made a course evaluation for your vagina? Wow. You really are a professor now.
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
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