i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
around noonish you got carried out for spitting water and throwing cups at old people...
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
his genitalia just looks like a thumbs up. a really really small thumbs up.
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
making an indian outfit so we can be pochohantas and john smith and fuck in the canoe on the night float
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
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