Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
watched two friends get underages. one had a shirt on that said lets get wasted while the other said to the cop "i understand your just trying to do your job but that was dirty bro".
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
I wiped my ass with some girl's sock, I would honestly admit if I hate Caitlin's sandwich.
This can only be settled by a dance off.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
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