Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
I don't even want to talk about it, I'm traumatized. Even the dog knew to take advantage of the most intoxicated girl at the party...
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
He made me cum 7 times AND I nearly drowned him during that 69 in the back of a ford focus. Yeah I should get my gynocologist.
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
What's rude is him not accepting my blowjob offer. What kind of guy denies that.
Randomize
