The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
Randomize
