We just made watching Intervention into a drinking game. We drink everytime someone does drungs.
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
