you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
If I go to jail what happens to my debt?
You dont have to pay it.
I'm going to jail.
ha so i just found a picture of you eating paper towels and many of Laura freaking out from it.
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
it's like iHOP with fire
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
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