guy in front of me on the bus did 12 yrs, hes teling me about how to knife fight
Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
Randomize
