Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
I could feel myself puking on my feet but it was so warm i didnt even care.
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
like i got into his car and the beatles were playing. this kid is def getting his dick sucked
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
well i don't know if 30 seconds is exactly a good time but at least he bought me breakfast
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
