so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
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