No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
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