i wish there was an iPhone app that lets you write a TeXt LiKe tHiS
dude...come out of the closet already
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
