i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
Come 10 years my vagina won't look like this. I must cherish it
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
I totally need to blow more fat guys. His cum tasted like vanilla ice cream
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We're high and this subject came up and I'd like a female opinion: if you were a dude, what would you do if a girl tried to give you a foot job?
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
Randomize