Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
just had an encounter with drunk people from out of state at dairy queen. they wanted to stay till march to see the high school play.
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
Randomize
