I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
I rarely go in there. Unless it's for mini cadbury eggs and whiskey.
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
I need dick so bad, I’m dressing sexy for the school pick up line and sports practices to entice a few of the DILFs
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