Is this a definitive no? All is forlorn? Such is fine, but i'm drunk and a sucker for concrete answers
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
you need to leave class get on facebook and start untagging IMMEDIATELY
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize
