I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
look in the field by the highway and see if there is a high heel there. Or some Taco Bell bags.
eating on the run again ?
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
I mean obviously I like your dick... Jury is still out on you but your dick is good
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
I'm a stupid stupid woman who is totally going to rock this holiday season dick drunk on that Ginger
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
Randomize
