if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
OPIZZABONMYDICK
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
I need someone to play with my boobs. Even platonically. I just need a good groping
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
Randomize
