I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
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