these two guys are about to go shot for shot with syrup
now he is talking to a potato
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
Then again, he has huge mansions.
*manboobs.
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
Are ropes allowed in during conjugals?
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Randomize
