Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
leads to pukin, then cryin, then 24hr masturbatin binge, then cryin again and finally a combination of all 3
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
Randomize
