btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
It was her first time with a girl so I put on my tegan and Sara playlist to really get the full experience.
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
welp wont be popping out a kid with a beret. frenchie is gone and the mother nature showed herself. bilingual kid can be erased from the bucket list
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
I need moral support for this bender
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
Next time we do shrooms i am finding an open field at sunrise and running through it and nobody is stopping me this time!
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
Randomize
