She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
Randomize
