....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
he kept saying that we were in ian's fun time place and then continued to act like a dinosaur.
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
I know he's not here, but I can still see him. I found some of my old stash and its good shit so its expected to see sunlight at night and scary llama men. Midgets or otherwise.
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
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