someone threw a dead crab at me
remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
Its everclear night, yall need carbs in your body!
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
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