A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
As a member of the kink community, I feel grossly misrepresented
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