last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
But sometimes ur dick treats me better than u do
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
They call you PBJ boy because you were trying to seduce me with pieces of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Successfully might I add.
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