Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
She devotes each year to either men or women. I waited all year for her to be straight, tonights the night.
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
Randomize
