I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
epic walk of shame this morning involving 2 subway transfers. I need to start sexing locally.
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
ugh he was not leaving in the morning so i tried to scare him by crying and saying i wasnt ready to lose my virginity.
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
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