I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
I don't think my prof knows we've noticed her No Bra Fridays.
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
I went to Christian school in the 90s. I can finger blast anything, but dignity.
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
Randomize
